Sixth

I had no intention of continuing my blog writing, but since I understood the blog is exclusively for me ( as I ran out of the paid version) I felt why not? I spend half of my money on online purchases , stuff which I have no idea I use or not, other half in books which I love to look at covers but I rarely read.I felt it unnecessary to waste on a blog which was read by only the people i forwarded it to ( Iam not sure all of them read it, some do out of sympathy or empathy, some dont).I have a dog constantly howling in vicinity not sure if it is sick or is mating but sure is taking my attention away at times. Whatever it is I always come back to cancer.I guess very few or none know of my previous life, my life before my diagnosis.A lot of people tell me they admire my courage , the fact that i have completed 50 or more chemos ( not a record in anyways).I know my life is unpredictable , when someone tells me their life is too , i take it with a pinch of salt.Well my life is different and as everyone says it ,you never know unless you are in my shoes.I just want to revisit some  moments which Iam pretty sure noone knows of my life.Not intended at hurting anyone , but yes its good to document it right even if noones interested in knowing the truth. I will try hard to present everything masking the real truth, well it involves some who still leads the so called perfect life…. again putting a disclaimer not aimed at anyone in particular.What decisions or moments have shattered you in real life? Many would think for me it was the cancer diagnosis but no.Maybe coz i knew i had crossed the pain thresholds before my diagnosis and I knew whatever in store for me wasnt common cold or fibromylagia as predicted by majority of my doctors.The diagnosis wasnt my life shattering event.I remember sitting on cement floor of a toilet in Singapore ( yes they have toilets in govt owned flats with cement floors ) with tears rolling down my cheeks , not knowing what to do with my life.I thought of ending my life there, but wasnt brave enough and as always i thought practically.Why should i put into trouble the relatively unknown family that hosted me and also I had my son sleeping in the next bedroom so … Masking the details and not blaming anyone I did not have an easy life.People ask me why I dont cry I guess i dont have tears left coz I cried my heart out before diagnosis.And as the movie English Vinglish climax dialogue goes,I realised way before watching it that only people who can help yourselves are you and noone else.I never expected anyone to help me and they couldnt even if they wanted to coz I never told anyone anything.I never made any attempt at hiding or projecting a rosy picture outside deliberately but somehow noone knew.The day after my toilet crying incident my entire body was so shaken up that the next day I couldnt get words out of my mouth.It was as if my body was telling me physically and emotionally that its time to move on, and it cant stand any more abuse of any kind.I should have moved on and I did but I guess it was too late by then.I strongly believe its the stress that gave me this disease maybe my body was vulnerable but i guess its the emotional trauma that made my body weak.I was once told even after diagnosis that maybe I got this disease coz i hurt that person and it was his way of sweet revenge.I dont know if Karma exists but Iam pretty sure I didnt do the Karma to expect such an outcome.I guess people are strange and however hard you try dogs tail never straighten ……