Seventh

Do I expect a normal person to understand me ? Or am I different from them all? Do I play the cancer card often? I guess i do.And do i feel guilty?No i dont.I guess for all of us each day ,and for me each day alive is a miracle. .But I have realised with my limited knowledge of human nature that we dont change our basic nature no matter what.I may get irritated soon, i react sooner and Iam more sensitive these days, but I would have been all this even before but maybe with a slightly lesser intensity.I shouldnt be expecting everyone to understand me .I dont.I found it ridiculous when a young couple spend a lakh on wedding pics on a pit hole.( viral bbc news) I know its their money, they can blow it and do whatever they want with it.I found it amusing that these days people are so bent upon expressing their views that if you dont endorse their views, you are wrong.I beg to differ.I mean my Wbc count injection on the 2nd day of chemo cost 10000 bucks ( now its less but i paid 10000 initially)and Im not sure how many in India can afford it ? I said why not give money to people who actually need? The response was immediate, Iam comparing my life with others.Point no 1 – Why cant I compare? Iam alive and kicking.I dont want everyone to accept my thoughts but stop telling me stop comparing with my life, I dont expect all to donate stuff to charity on supposedly the happiest days of their lives , its their hard earned or loaned money but Iam entitled to my opinion right and I dont need any comparison and I find the act stupid.But again people differ. Its so difficult to develop a relationship forget relationship even a genuine conversation with a stranger/ not a friend.I realise my views have changed beyond words .I no longer agree to the stuff I used to.Do your upbringing decide the person you are? I guess it plays a small role but not a significant part.Someone told me that he grew up seeing his parents fight daily and it influenced him deeply.Well did that give him a license to abuse his wife as well?Forget the men/ women superior / inferior banter dont they have common sense ? Is the super ego / id ego popping up and telling your male ego that women cant do it? I mean why do you care ? Do the me too movement scare the hell out of guys coz they fear they will be wrongly implicated? Well face the fear factor as well.Why am I saying all this ? My doctor just told me today that he was overcautious with me coz I was over worried.Well I had my reasons .I was undiagnosed for 8 months or rather misdiagnosed.I ran from pillar to post hunting doctors and telling them I am unwell.After 8 months a doctor even told me you need counselling Iam imagining the pain.Well short story fast forward diagnosed a week later with stage 4 lung cancer not mental illness.Cant I afford to be over cautious? But I guess I know as always nothing is in our hands.( Applicable to all) .When you have friends in your support group leaving you without a message , you wish maybe they are busy or unwell.I got my fb cancer support group friend’s husband’s message that she has lost the battle.I was about to message her what to do now ,I feel like peeing all the time, have I got UTI again? Then i realised Oh i cant message her now.So is the so called life.So people live on , no matter what, smile, appreciate , blame less and be happy!