Fourth

 

When I was young my recurring fantasy or dream was me alone in my home town with no human population around.Restaurants loaded with food , my favourite shops left open for me to shop for clothes, cosmetics and what not.Maybe it sounded weird but I loved it.Years later I still ask myself do I want it?What makes me happy these days? Does everyone have an expiry tag attached to them? I find it weird when people shower sympathy.But I keep asking myself why me? Did I kill anyone? Did I hurt anyone ? If I did to what degree?Or is it unrelated to Karma?I dont know.I keep comparing myself to the normal people around ( i try hard not to) but I hardly succeed, I too was one among the so called normal people,why did I get this? Not anyone else? I also see people ignoring me or trying to stay away from me coz I remind them that Cancer exists or do I remind them of the dark side of life that  If I can get it ( seemingly healthy) they too can.Does ignoring me help them come to terms with reality? Maybe it does.I dont care.No, the world is not full of such people.I have come across unknown people treating me with kindness and respect.I have my friends who call me day after my chemo asking me how I am.I dont remember telling them that I had chemo ,maybe earlier ,not on the day of chemo but they remember the dates.I remember frantically messaging my friends that i had developed brain mets and I wanted them to pray for me.One of them casually asked me ok when are you joining back to work after the procedure? I felt good when i heard it.Maybe coz, come what may I will go back to work.Thats the belief they had in me.I recently connected with a friend with whom I hadnt spoken for years.I never hide my cancer but i hate people proposing to come and see me.I hate being treated as a patient.I told her i dont look good now, i have no hair, no eyebrows and I weigh 90 kgs she said iam not coming to marry you i dont care how you look.That sounded funny ( atleast in my ears). When people were scared about the nipah virus ( google for those who dont know what it is) i felt strangely calm.I felt I already have cancer so why fear? But its strange and weird to see people panicking but I guess its a normal thing.Maybe I was like this too prior to my diagnosis.

 

Third

What not to ask a cancer patient ( My personal view) 1) How did you get this disease?You are so young…..

2) What are the doctors saying? I dont like anyone asking me what my expiry date is..How can anyone predict it ?Dont ask me I dont know and I dont want to know.                                                              3) Are you still working? Just rephrase and ask me if Iam still working I dont mind.Dont ask me with a negative mindset Am i not supposed to work?                                                                        4)Again a purely personal choice, dont tell me to take rest.If iam up its coz iam ok.If iam down I will be taking rest.I am not much of an active person ( I dont gym) but I work full time so i guess thats my active lifestyle now.                                                                                              5) I havent become arrogant I havent become rude I have just started enjoying life now coz I know now that each moment is precious. I can go on and on …Please dont stare at me when I walk with a bald head and no eyebrows. ….I dont like playing the cancer card anywhere but a few days after chemo Iam tired so please dont make me say can you hurry up, iam a cancer patient iam tired…( Happened to me yesterday at my eye appointment ). AND yes i laugh.I laugh at jokes.I still have my sense of humour intact. DONT Tell me you holiday at luxury resorts.Yes i do.Not coz i have money coz i am looking at making memories.Not saving money.And most of my trips are sponsored by my relatives and friends so I dont spend money on it.I dont think holidays or resorts define our life but for me time out makes my mind clear and it makes me more relaxed.So dont tell me you have people to sponsor you.Do you really want to know what a stage 4 cancer patient life looks like? How it is to live in constant fear? Even a 10 day blood test scares me coz you dont know your platelet level.Is my hb down? What i go through before a mri or a pet scan? Not blaming anyone but people with no cancer please enjoy your life.You need not visit luxury holiday spots just live your life.You are free of the fear factor and noone can describe you how it is to live in constant fear….

Second

Cancer myths: Cancer doesnt change your character.Maybe you become more sensitive, more open ,more compassionate, but I still have the same likes and dislikes.I still love chocolate flavoured icecream. Why is there so much stigma associated with cancer? Agreed its a deadly disease and not to be taken lightly but how am I responsible for getting it?i have stage 4 adenocarcinoma lung mostly seen in smokers.I am a 36 year old nonsmoker not even exposed to passive smoking( none in my family smoked).I was looking for the answer why me for months after diagnosis and later realised there is no answer.I can keep on digging for it , I wont get an answer.Coz there isnt any.One of my collegues asked me did you eat a lot from outside is that how you got it? Heights of ignorance? The one question I encounter the most is Oh you are so young how did you get this? Pleaose I dont know how I got it if you know please tell me.I was even asked by a collegue Oh you are divya the one with cancer.Is it pasted on my face that I have cancer? People are so insensitive , ignorant they dont understand even conversations that sound so mild or harmless to them affect us.Do they know how difficult it is living with the disease?You are constantly tested.The treatment is as hard as the disease.Every scan every blood tests scares me.Its so unpredictable.What do you do when you become unconscious and get a seizure when you are getting ready to go to office?When your care takers are your aged parents and they panic? You realise may be it has spread to the brain ( coz i read a lot about the disease and you get hints) how do u tell urself not to panic? After all this u have oncology nurses asking me questions like u are so young and u come with your dad everytime so sad you got this.What difference does it make if I make a visit with my dad or husband or boyfriend? In India if you dont have a husband automatically there is something wrong with you not vice versa.I dont want to get into it coz its worse than cancer. I do have feelings.I havent become dumb..i dont want to go into the reasons for all that coz it doesnt hold any importance here.Who am i to judge anyone? I lived with him for 9 years if he was going through this i wouldnt have reacted the same way.I am far more civil.Coz i know me.i am ok after the procedure and i tell myself to forget about everything.I dont understand how is my son involved in all this ?I didnt want to write all this as i know we cant change anyone but i wanted to get this out of my system.

First !

Cancer the most dreaded word….. When I was in school I remember someone telling me that eating cakes cause cancer.The little me was terrified as cakes were my favourite evening snack, i didnt know what kind of a disease cancer was back then,it sure had a death sentence attached to it.Even as I grew up my outlook towards the disease never changed,i thought anyone else can get it ,i cant and i wont.My life took me into a roller coaster ride of emotions,sufferings happiness,anger,betrayal , I thought i went through all human emotions possible and available little did i know what was in store for me .But my policy in life was to live and let live so i lived on.Stage 4 adeno carcinoma the diagnosis didnt shatter me.The thought of pain and eventual death did.It still does. I never tried to hide my disease why should i?I didnt ask for it .i dont have a sexually transmitted disease,nor a contagious one if my cells are multiplying and i cant control it how can it be my fault? The look of sympathy..My life changed in a split second after diagnosis.I realised i was living in this make believe fake world where having fun and frolic defined happiness.A happy vacation pic posted in facebook with 100 likes guaranteed u live a happy life.does it?Many of my friends turned hostile,many stopped calling ,many dont know how to start a conversation.Is it so difficult? Are cancer patients not entitled to your so called normal talks? Are we supposed to live in this ever ending doom? Are all cancer patients housed in the world trade centre which can be or will be crashed by aeroplanes any second?I dont know.Is that how people look at us?I guess I was automatically gifted to identify the fake friends , the real friends,the annoying friends and other categories after diagnosis.You just know who they are.I didnt know this disease carried so much social stigma within. I have been asked all kinds of questions after chemo.Can you talk now ? Can you walk now? Can you eat now?40 chemos and still on ?? Why? Shouldnt you be cured by now?How much have you spend till now?( does it qualify as spending??its not a wedding I am spending my money on.The miracle cures.The be positive slogan.Small things matter to me now.a full moon, a rainy day .questions keep haunting me.I have no answers to it and noone has.Why me ? The most obvious question.Iam not being sadistic.But lung cancer? Non smoker below 40 still ?

My neighbour who smokes 24 hours is healthy( no i dont wish for him to have it) but I have it.I wish i could smile like others.I wish i didnt tear up everytime i think of my son,I wish I could run away to a world where there is no cancer i wish i could get up everyday and make plans.iam happy for each day.for each day alive.i know its a blessing.but i still dream
I guess everyone should.