Ninth

Honestly I never expected to write a blog in a situation like this, infact I never expected myself to be in this state.Iam not in Intesive care unit now but I was 3 weeks back for a few days.I had come back from Bangalore ( by flight) which seems to trigger my seizures.I had a seizure attack after 2 days.I had one 8 months back and had done cyberknife and those tumours were under control .But I had developed 2 more new ones which showed their real colours after the flight journey though it was not the flight which caused it,it just triggered its symptoms which I guess was good for me coz it told me I had it.

I cannot describe what I went through coz i was unconscious for two days.I have had seizure before but I lost consciousness only for a short time, this was the longest.I was in intensive care unit and my dad told me I asked to meet my parents on the 2nd day midnight and wanted to see my scan reports and asked them what had happened to me.I remember only the 3rd day when I was shifted back to a normal room.Its been almost a month after the incident even now I feel drowsy and at times weird.

I dont know why or how this happened.I also dont know whats in store for me in future.When I was diagnosed 2.4 years back after the initial shock I accepted it.I guess after 2.4 years of normal life when jerks happen you are as usual shaken up.I dont know my future, I didnt earlier too but I was ok with it.Now when I walk, when I feel weird , when I have a headache, when I forget stuff Iam like Is some thing wrong ?

After the brain treatment and after I had the seizure I was worried if my memory was affected.I stopped thinking about it now coz I came back to my initial belief Iam not the one controlling my life, I just have to moveon.

When I see normal people I realise they are so blessed,maybe many dont know it or acknowledge it but they are.You dont have to swallow multiple tablets to prevent a seizure again which inturn makes you sleepy, irritated and as I told you earlier a bit worried about my memory/mind/life.

I have a son who Iam not sure understands what cancer is , but he does know Iam sick.Iam in a state where I dont want to meet anyone or explain my state but many dont seem to understand.I had a message from a friend yesterday saying she wanted to meet me, I denied it saying Iam not in a mood.She replied saying she was sad and I should meet her but I guess when I cant control my mind I can atleast control say yes/ no to stuff when I can.

I just want everyone to know that all of you are blessed.When I was leading a normal cancer free life I used to cry thinking about my personal life.The fact that I never had the so called normal life affected me, I thought i was the worst affected person when all my friends posted pictures of fun and frolic in facebook, I had to tell myself again that suicide wasnt the answer to my troubles I had a life and a son to live for.

Now those troubles feel nothing for me now, I had a job, a life and the so called husband wasnt necessary to fulfill it.I know in India the perfect family demanded it, but now looking back at my life I wished I had a normal life then, I never needed anyone to support me , I was independent , I should have enjoyed my life,lived it the way I wanted it .Others opinion never mattered coz the so called others had a life too , anyone can pass judgements but your life is only yours, you are the boss .

I still lead or live life the way I want to .Yes being a cancer patient and leading this life isnt a piece of cake,but I dont care.I love fried chicken and chocolate cake and Iam happy I can still eat it.So people you have only one life,live it to the fullest.Nothing matters actually.Cancer made me realise things dont always happen the way you plan it to, I hope everyone realise it faster than I did.

I dont know if this can be called a blog,I was asked to include this in my blog

Top 15 Lung Cancer Websites & Blogs To Follow in 2019

I think my blog is included in this, you can also read other blogs as well.

Eighth

There are days I wake up and wish I had no cancer.Or that I was having a bad dream.What has cancer taught me ? Do not take your life for granted, you never know when your bubble is gonna burst…. I look down and see an array of cars and other vehicles blaring horn continously and competing to reach where?? It makes no sense to me coz I too was running to reach somewhere when God decided to apply brakes.So people dont honk continously it is of no use,you are not going to apply brakes in your life someone else will so take a chill pill, let the car overtake you , dont shout , dont abuse ,it wont help you anyways.

Each day is full of shocks and surprises, Iam constantly worried if my cancer is spreading, i know i have no say in it and I cant do anything but to worry is human I guess.I had read the book Tuesdays with Morrie, i guess long time back( before my diagnosis) and had liked it.Iam reading it now and the words sound so true to me now.As mentioned in the book, the day I was diagnosed I looked out of the hospital window and saw the world moving on as usual.School kids going to school, cars overtaking , people talking on mobile phones whereas I expected the world to stop.I had a terminal diagnosis how can others go on with their lives as usual? I realised soon that we all suffer from the spotlightsyndrome , we always expect and believe the spotlight is on us when in reality it isnt.World will go on no matter what, you are only a tiny part of it,your presence/ absence doesnt make much of a difference.I learnt it the hard way I wish people realise it quicker than wasting their lives on running behind stuff that makes no sense to them.

I understand people find it hard to digest that I have cancer, I dont know if its hereditary iam no researcher to analyse my DNA, i wish to believe it is hereditary so Iam the chosen one and others are spared.Not coz iam ready to sacrifice my life, but i know i needed a change/ push in my life and God decided to give me a good push 🙂 go sort out your life , realise the mess and do something about it.The only person in the world who can make me cry in this world is my son.He is a delayed kid and getting on with normal life now.I realised yesterday that we underestimate kids a lot.My son started talking when he was 4, so naturally i expected him to be late in everything even understanding human emotions, but he has proved me wrong on a couple of occasions.He asked me yesterday about something that happened 2 years back,he was 8 then.I along with my parents were going to a hospital ( to kind of finalise my diagnosis ) and I didnt know what to tell my son or how long I would be gone.He went to school as usual in the morning and in the evening instead of me and my parents he was greeted by my inlaws.He asked me yesterday why didnt you tell me mummy that you were leaving, why did you leave without telling me? I said i was sick and I didnt know what to tell you.Yes a 8 year old delayed kid has emotions.Maybe he cant express it ( he had speech delay) but he understands everything. I wish I had an easier life , I sometimes want to scream out to the world that cancer is a disease anyone can get it, does it make me sadistic ? But thats the truth.Many a times you dont even have an answer to the question why?

Seventh

Do I expect a normal person to understand me ? Or am I different from them all? Do I play the cancer card often? I guess I do.And do I feel guilty?No I dont.I guess for all of us each day ,and for me each day alive is a miracle. .But I have realised with my limited knowledge of human nature that we dont change our basic nature no matter what.I may get irritated soon, i react sooner and Iam more sensitive these days, but I would have done all this even before ,but maybe with a slightly lesser intensity.I shouldnt be expecting everyone to understand me .I dont. I wont get promotion in my work place coz iam kind of debarred unofficially as Iam a terminally ill patient.I have no problems with it.Seriously career growth is not in my objectives these days.Iam happy I can still go to office.I cant stand the stress or working hours that a promoted life demands.I love writing certification exams related to my career and some that I have genuine interest in.I was asked by a collegue why am I writing exams hinting in a subtle way , it will not help in promotions I am never gonna be shortlisted.I told them it keeps me occupied and I realised late that knowledge is actually Power :)…….. I found it ridiculous when a young couple spend a lakh on wedding pics on a pit hole.( viral bbc news video attached _pit video) I know its their money, they can blow it and do whatever they want with it.I found it amusing that these days people are so bent upon expressing their views that if you dont endorse their views, you are wrong.I beg to differ.I mean my Wbc count injection on the 2nd day of chemo cost 10000 bucks ( now its less but i paid 10000 initially)and Im not sure how many in India can afford it ? I said why not give money to people who actually need? The response was immediate, Iam comparing my life with others.Point no 1 – Why cant I compare? Iam alive and kicking.I dont want everyone to accept my thoughts but stop telling me stop comparing with my life, I dont expect all to donate stuff to charity on supposedly the happiest days of their lives , its their hard earned or loaned money but Iam entitled to my opinion right and I dont need any comparison and I find the act stupid.But again people differ. Its so difficult to develop a relationship forget relationship even a genuine conversation with a stranger/ not a friend.I realise my views have changed beyond words .I no longer agree to the stuff I used to.Do your upbringing decide the person you are? I guess it plays a small role but not a significant part.Someone told me that he grew up seeing his parents fight daily and it influenced him deeply.Well did that give him a license to abuse his wife as well?Forget the men/ women superior / inferior banter dont they have common sense ? Is the super ego / id ego popping up and telling your male ego that women cant do it? I mean why do you care ? Well face the fear factor as well.Why am I saying all this ? No idea.My doctor just told me today that he was overcautious with me coz I was over worried.Well I had my reasons .I was undiagnosed for 8 months or rather misdiagnosed.I ran from pillar to post hunting doctors and telling them I am unwell.After 8 months a doctor even told me you need counselling Iam imagining the pain.Well short story fast forward diagnosed a week later with stage 4 lung cancer not mental illness.Cant I afford to be over cautious? But I guess I know as always nothing is in our hands.( Applicable to all) .When you have friends in your support group leaving you without a message , you wish maybe they are busy or unwell.I got a message from my fb cancer support group friend’s husband’s that she has lost the battle.I was about to message her what to do now ,I feel like peeing all the time, have I got UTI again? Then i realised Oh i cant message her now.So is the so called life.So people live on , no matter what, smile, appreciate , blame less and be happy!

Sixth

I had no intention of continuing my blog writing, but since I understood the blog is exclusively for me ( as I ran out of the paid version) I felt why not? I spend half of my money on online purchases , stuff which I have no idea I use or not, other half in books which I love to look at covers but I rarely read.I felt it unnecessary to waste on a blog which was read by only the people i forwarded it to ( Iam not sure all of them read it, some do out of sympathy or empathy, some dont).I have a dog constantly howling in vicinity not sure if it is sick or is mating but sure is taking my attention away at times. Whatever it is I always come back to cancer.I guess very few or none know of my previous life, my life before my diagnosis.A lot of people tell me they admire my courage , the fact that i have completed 50 or more chemos ( not a record in anyways).I know my life is unpredictable , when someone tells me their life is too , i take it with a pinch of salt.Well my life is different and as everyone says it ,you never know unless you are in my shoes.I just want to revisit some  moments which Iam pretty sure noone knows of my life.Not intended at hurting anyone , but yes its good to document it right even if noones interested in knowing the truth. I will try hard to present everything masking the real truth, again putting a disclaimer not aimed at anyone in particular.What decisions or moments have shattered you in real life? Many would think for me it was the cancer diagnosis but no.Maybe coz i knew i had crossed the pain thresholds before my diagnosis and I knew whatever in store for me wasnt common cold or fibromylagia as predicted by majority of my doctors.The diagnosis wasnt my life shattering event.I remember sitting on cement floor of a toilet in Singapore ( yes they have toilets in govt owned flats with cement floors ) with tears rolling down my cheeks , not knowing what to do with my life.I thought of ending my life there, but wasnt brave enough and as always i thought practically.Why should i put into trouble the relatively unknown family that hosted me and also I had my son sleeping in the next bedroom so … Masking the details and not blaming anyone I did not have an easy life.People ask me why I dont cry I guess i dont have tears left coz I cried my heart out before diagnosis.And as the movie English Vinglish climax dialogue goes,I realised way before watching it that only people who can help yourselves are you and noone else.I never expected anyone to help me and they couldnt even if they wanted to coz I never told anyone anything.I never made any attempt at hiding or projecting a rosy picture outside deliberately but somehow noone knew.The day after my toilet crying incident my entire body was so shaken up that the next day I couldnt get words out of my mouth.It was as if my body was telling me physically and emotionally that its time to move on, and it cant stand any more abuse of any kind.I should have moved on and I did but I guess it was too late by then.I strongly believe its the stress that gave me this disease maybe my body was vulnerable but i guess its the emotional trauma that made my body weak.I was once told even after diagnosis that maybe I got this disease coz i hurt that person and it was his way of sweet revenge.I dont know if Karma exists but Iam pretty sure I didnt do the Karma to expect such an outcome.I guess people are strange and however hard you try dogs tail never straighten ……

Fifth

On the onset Iam not a writer and I ask myself why do I put myself to this misery, but I seem to enjoy reading the stuff I write, so i guess that is the motivating factor.I can write for myself right?

I perfectly understand why people dont like talking about cancer all the time, even I dont.But i guess the normal people can take a choice, I cant.Its a part of me now however hard I try not to acknowledge it. My school was just opposite to my ancestral home (where I was born) and even the click sound of my house gates aroused my attention when I was young.I was curious to know who was entering my house, is it someone I know? The property was full of mango trees then, though I wasnt a nature person the sound of birds and mangoes reminded me of a different world.I always wondered how the birds communicated, what their problems were and what mattered to them the most.Did humans exist in their chart?I wished I could be a part of their lives faraway from the real world.My real world then was exams and schools not cancer.Exams terrified me and I studied not coz I loved studying but I had to pass.Failure scared me.I was so stupid.I was ‘first in class’ and I had the badge pinned on to my uniform and I beamed with pride everytime i saw it.Now when I think of it, it was so gross! I still vividly remember attending a family function straight from school with the first in class badge pinned on coz my mom thought that was appropriate.Maybe she wanted to show off the studious daughter.I dont think it worked.My childhood dream was getting myself a gandharvan ( husband of the apsaras) after I watched the malayalam movie njan gandharvan.Guess the reason? He helped the heroine during exams and he knew magic,he can get me whatever i want to eat.Yes food and exams.Good Food is still one of my weaknesses.I know education is just a part of your life, its not your whole life.I mean when I was not ‘ FIRST IN CLASS ” for some exams i hid it from my family coz i couldnt bear the humiliation i had to face.It all seem funny now but it sure wasnt then… What do everyone think of reincarnation? I read a book called Many lives Many masters and the book is about it.I dont know how I would have looked at it if I didnt have cancer.Do i want to believe it now? TO console myself that life is immortal ? To reduce the death fear? I DONT know.But I always believed even before I was diagnosed that I knew so little of my religion, so little of God , so little of life that I had no right to disregard them coz I was ignorant of its beliefs.Even now I dont know what is the truth , but i like to look at it with that view point too coz it provided me some of the answers to the questions I had.I dont blindly follow anything i only absorb what I feel is right.I dont think i was prepared for mother hood when i became pregnant.It was the usual course of events that happened, you get married , you have a kid and then your lives are tied to it.I mean i understand perfectly well when someone tells me they dont want a kid coz if you cant take care then why? I mean in places where the lady of the house is the sole bread winner , and the husband has no job( maybe a sugarcoated fake job for his relatives & friends), the wife is supposed to come home and cook, when the husband is snoring away in internet or improving his clientile in God knows what ,blissfully unaware of what is happening in his family life? This isnt preaching feminism, this is the twisted reality. NOT generalising men or saying all men are the same but this or a uglier version of this is the truth in many cases. Back to canworld,Waiting for results is the worse part of this disease, in my case once I get my test results i become calm, I dont know how or why that happens that is irrespective of the result.Maybe its my minds own defense mechanism not to irritate the already irritated cells not to multiply further.No wonder people fear it so much.So called miracle cures.I have spoken to a lot of people who advise me to try it , maybe they say it coz they care for me but they dont understand I cant take a chance now.Its entirely my decision what I want to try, and if I dont try these alternative methods Iam supposed to be not trying enough.How can that be? They immediately tell me you are not a doctor how can you judge it so quickly, agreed Iam not one but Iam the one with cancer and so i do know a little more than someone without it.So stop judging people, it may work or maynot work as it is with most meds coz its cancer so why I cant I decide coz iam the guinea pig ? And its a hard world,as with chemo your viens magically disappear in addition to the other side effects so even a normal blood test is a nightmare for a cancer patient.I guess its a challenge for the nurses too coz getting my vien to draw blood is no kids play.Last week when i went to my regular lab for a blood test, where only 2 nurses ( trained and tested) used to take my blood test,the lab people told me one has resigned with a look of worry.Was i supposed to hunt for another lab or was i supposed to be ready for the pain and misery associated with numerous pricks for my blood ?They ask me why am i shouting, I tell them its paining. Finally I get the blood test done with black bruises and pain but thats the tip of the iceberg in the journey i guess….

Fourth

 

When I was young my recurring fantasy or dream was me alone in my home town with no human population around.Restaurants loaded with food , my favourite shops left open for me to shop for clothes, cosmetics and what not.Maybe it sounded weird but I loved it.Years later I still ask myself do I want it?What makes me happy these days? Does everyone have an expiry tag attached to them? I find it weird when people shower sympathy.But I keep asking myself why me? Did I kill anyone? Did I hurt anyone ? If I did to what degree?Or is it unrelated to Karma?I dont know.I keep comparing myself to the normal people around ( i try hard not to) but I hardly succeed, I too was one among the so called normal people,why did I get this? Not anyone else? I also see people ignoring me or trying to stay away from me coz I remind them that Cancer exists or do I remind them of the dark side of life that  If I can get it ( seemingly healthy) they too can.Does ignoring me help them come to terms with reality? Maybe it does.I dont care.No, the world is not full of such people.I have come across unknown people treating me with kindness and respect.I have my friends who call me day after my chemo asking me how I am.I dont remember telling them that I had chemo ,maybe earlier ,not on the day of chemo but they remember the dates.I remember frantically messaging my friends that i had developed brain mets and I wanted them to pray for me.One of them casually asked me ok when are you joining back to work after the procedure? I felt good when i heard it.Maybe coz, come what may I will go back to work.Thats the belief they had in me.I recently connected with a friend with whom I hadnt spoken for years.I never hide my cancer but i hate people proposing to come and see me.I hate being treated as a patient.I told her i dont look good now, i have no hair, no eyebrows and I weigh 90 kgs she said iam not coming to marry you i dont care how you look.That sounded funny ( atleast in my ears). When people were scared about the nipah virus ( google for those who dont know what it is) i felt strangely calm.I felt I already have cancer so why fear? But its strange and weird to see people panicking but I guess its a normal thing.Maybe I was like this too prior to my diagnosis.