Every 21 days after each chemo I write or scribble stuff.Am I supposed to or do I expect anyone to read it?The fact being a cancer patient however hard you try ,you know what you are going through.I also know what others think of me to some extent.
Heavy doze of steriods make me feel different.In addition to all the medical conditions ( P.S I ask too many questions to my doctors with the little knowledge I have) The recent strange conditions (mentally)
1) Depression, depersonalisation disorder(Who am I? )
2) I find the Who am I question different coz I had the same question asked to me when I was 9 years old .I told my school friend then about my queer questions , she told me she had the same question asked to her 8 months back.The imagination left me within some days but at this queer state of my life now I dont know what is big or small .
3) The Rain…No I do not hate it.But the heavy monsoon , heavy clouds ,I see foggy stuff all around me which amplifies my depression and my sensitivity to everything.
I tell myself maybe the high doze of steriods or my chemo or my current state make me irritated , angry,depressed…I felt that today and I shouted and cried , I realised later why am I crying? Does this particular situation affect me?I have realised earlier that I am not the one planning my life,you have no control or answer to the traumas or in my language irritations of your life.We just move on …
Forgetting stuff as I have mentioned in my previous blog has increased, I repeat stuff I have to say,I google the words I have to say, yesterday when I saw a notepad , I knew what it was and what it was used for but I forgot the name.
I do not care what others think of me.I am not here to get a good girl certificate.What do I use it for? I try not to irritate or affect anyones life.Then again no sympathy,empathy is fine
I wish I had this attitude before, I would have had a different life.I did not tell many what I was going through then, I did not want others to judge me or sympathise on my situation . I do not know what I had in mind .I do not wish to say anything on the personal comments I had faced then, I realised later I was not wrong, I was not the perfect person but I did not belong to the character I was exposed to in my life