Honestly I never expected to write a blog in a situation like this, infact I never expected myself to be in this state.Iam not in Intesive care unit now but I was 3 weeks back for a few days.I had come back from Bangalore ( by flight) which seems to trigger my seizures.I had a seizure attack after 2 days.I had one 8 months back and had done cyberknife and those tumours were under control .But I had developed 2 more new ones which showed their real colours after the flight journey though it was not the flight which caused it,it just triggered its symptoms which I guess was good for me coz it told me I had it.
I cannot describe what I went through coz i was unconscious for two days.I have had seizure before but I lost consciousness only for a short time, this was the longest.I was in intensive care unit and my dad told me I asked to meet my parents on the 2nd day midnight and wanted to see my scan reports and asked them what had happened to me.I remember only the 3rd day when I was shifted back to a normal room.Its been almost a month after the incident even now I feel drowsy and at times weird.
I dont know why or how this happened.I also dont know whats in store for me in future.When I was diagnosed 2.4 years back after the initial shock I accepted it.I guess after 2.4 years of normal life when jerks happen you are as usual shaken up.I dont know my future, I didnt earlier too but I was ok with it.Now when I walk, when I feel weird , when I have a headache, when I forget stuff Iam like Is some thing wrong ?
After the brain treatment and after I had the seizure I was worried if my memory was affected.I stopped thinking about it now coz I came back to my initial belief Iam not the one controlling my life, I just have to moveon.
When I see normal people I realise they are so blessed,maybe many dont know it or acknowledge it but they are.You dont have to swallow multiple tablets to prevent a seizure again which inturn makes you sleepy, irritated and as I told you earlier a bit worried about my memory/mind/life.
I have a son who Iam not sure understands what cancer is , but he does know Iam sick.Iam in a state where I dont want to meet anyone or explain my state but many dont seem to understand.I had a message from a friend yesterday saying she wanted to meet me, I denied it saying Iam not in a mood.She replied saying she was sad and I should meet her but I guess when I cant control my mind I can atleast control say yes/ no to stuff when I can.
I just want everyone to know that all of you are blessed.When I was leading a normal cancer free life I used to cry thinking about my personal life.The fact that I never had the so called normal life affected me, I thought i was the worst affected person when all my friends posted pictures of fun and frolic in facebook, I had to tell myself again that suicide wasnt the answer to my troubles I had a life and a son to live for.
Now those troubles feel nothing for me now, I had a job, a life and the so called husband wasnt necessary to fulfill it.I know in India the perfect family demanded it, but now looking back at my life I wished I had a normal life then, I never needed anyone to support me , I was independent , I should have enjoyed my life,lived it the way I wanted it .Others opinion never mattered coz the so called others had a life too , anyone can pass judgements but your life is only yours, you are the boss .
I still lead or live life the way I want to .Yes being a cancer patient and leading this life isnt a piece of cake,but I dont care.I love fried chicken and chocolate cake and Iam happy I can still eat it.So people you have only one life,live it to the fullest.Nothing matters actually.Cancer made me realise things dont always happen the way you plan it to, I hope everyone realise it faster than I did.
I dont know if this can be called a blog,I was asked to include this in my blog
I think my blog is included in this, you can also read other blogs as well.