Do I expect a normal person to understand me ? Or am I different from them all? Do I play the cancer card often? I guess I do.And do I feel guilty?No I dont.I guess for all of us each day ,and for me each day alive is a miracle. .But I have realised with my limited knowledge of human nature that we dont change our basic nature no matter what.I may get irritated soon, i react sooner and Iam more sensitive these days, but I would have done all this even before ,but maybe with a slightly lesser intensity.I shouldnt be expecting everyone to understand me .I dont. I wont get promotion in my work place coz iam kind of debarred unofficially as Iam a terminally ill patient.I have no problems with it.Seriously career growth is not in my objectives these days.Iam happy I can still go to office.I cant stand the stress or working hours that a promoted life demands.I love writing certification exams related to my career and some that I have genuine interest in.I was asked by a collegue why am I writing exams hinting in a subtle way , it will not help in promotions I am never gonna be shortlisted.I told them it keeps me occupied and I realised late that knowledge is actually Power :)…….. I found it ridiculous when a young couple spend a lakh on wedding pics on a pit hole.( viral bbc news video attached _pit video) I know its their money, they can blow it and do whatever they want with it.I found it amusing that these days people are so bent upon expressing their views that if you dont endorse their views, you are wrong.I beg to differ.I mean my Wbc count injection on the 2nd day of chemo cost 10000 bucks ( now its less but i paid 10000 initially)and Im not sure how many in India can afford it ? I said why not give money to people who actually need? The response was immediate, Iam comparing my life with others.Point no 1 – Why cant I compare? Iam alive and kicking.I dont want everyone to accept my thoughts but stop telling me stop comparing with my life, I dont expect all to donate stuff to charity on supposedly the happiest days of their lives , its their hard earned or loaned money but Iam entitled to my opinion right and I dont need any comparison and I find the act stupid.But again people differ. Its so difficult to develop a relationship forget relationship even a genuine conversation with a stranger/ not a friend.I realise my views have changed beyond words .I no longer agree to the stuff I used to.Do your upbringing decide the person you are? I guess it plays a small role but not a significant part.Someone told me that he grew up seeing his parents fight daily and it influenced him deeply.Well did that give him a license to abuse his wife as well?Forget the men/ women superior / inferior banter dont they have common sense ? Is the super ego / id ego popping up and telling your male ego that women cant do it? I mean why do you care ? Well face the fear factor as well.Why am I saying all this ? No idea.My doctor just told me today that he was overcautious with me coz I was over worried.Well I had my reasons .I was undiagnosed for 8 months or rather misdiagnosed.I ran from pillar to post hunting doctors and telling them I am unwell.After 8 months a doctor even told me you need counselling Iam imagining the pain.Well short story fast forward diagnosed a week later with stage 4 lung cancer not mental illness.Cant I afford to be over cautious? But I guess I know as always nothing is in our hands.( Applicable to all) .When you have friends in your support group leaving you without a message , you wish maybe they are busy or unwell.I got a message from my fb cancer support group friend’s husband’s that she has lost the battle.I was about to message her what to do now ,I feel like peeing all the time, have I got UTI again? Then i realised Oh i cant message her now.So is the so called life.So people live on , no matter what, smile, appreciate , blame less and be happy!
Anu 3 Minutes
Published by Anu
Im a stage 4 lung cancer patient.This blog is not an attempt at writing its just an act of unloading my emotions .( not aimed at hurting / insulting anyone entirely my version of my life ) Keep reading ! View all posts by Anu