First !

Cancer the most dreaded word….. When I was in school I remember someone telling me that eating cakes cause cancer.The little me was terrified as cakes were my favourite evening snack, i didnt know what kind of a disease cancer was back then,it sure had a death sentence attached to it.Even as I grew up my outlook towards the disease never changed,i thought anyone else can get it ,i cant and i wont.My life took me into a roller coaster ride of emotions,sufferings happiness,anger,betrayal , I thought i went through all human emotions possible and available little did i know what was in store for me .But my policy in life was to live and let live so i lived on.Stage 4 adeno carcinoma the diagnosis didnt shatter me.The thought of pain and eventual death did.It still does. I never tried to hide my disease why should i?I didnt ask for it .i dont have a sexually transmitted disease,nor a contagious one if my cells are multiplying and i cant control it how can it be my fault? The look of sympathy..My life changed in a split second after diagnosis.I realised i was living in this make believe fake world where having fun and frolic defined happiness.A happy vacation pic posted in facebook with 100 likes guaranteed u live a happy life.does it?Many of my friends turned hostile,many stopped calling ,many dont know how to start a conversation.Is it so difficult? Are cancer patients not entitled to your so called normal talks? Are we supposed to live in this ever ending doom? Are all cancer patients housed in the world trade centre which can be or will be crashed by aeroplanes any second?I dont know.Is that how people look at us?I guess I was automatically gifted to identify the fake friends , the real friends,the annoying friends and other categories after diagnosis.You just know who they are.I didnt know this disease carried so much social stigma within. I have been asked all kinds of questions after chemo.Can you talk now ? Can you walk now? Can you eat now?40 chemos and still on ?? Why? Shouldnt you be cured by now?How much have you spend till now?( does it qualify as spending??its not a wedding I am spending my money on.The miracle cures.The be positive slogan.Small things matter to me now.a full moon, a rainy day .questions keep haunting me.I have no answers to it and noone has.Why me ? The most obvious question.Iam not being sadistic.But lung cancer? Non smoker below 40 still ?

My neighbour who smokes 24 hours is healthy( no i dont wish for him to have it) but I have it.I wish i could smile like others.I wish i didnt tear up everytime i think of my son,I wish I could run away to a world where there is no cancer i wish i could get up everyday and make plans.iam happy for each day.for each day alive.i know its a blessing.but i still dream
I guess everyone should.

One thought on “First !

  1. Thank you so much for telling about your emotions and thoughts as a young lung cancer patient.
    People are scared of cancer. They don’t know what to say. Most people mean well and try to be kind and thoughtful, although they upset or hurt you.
    As you write, small things matter. Go on dreaming! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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